April Gift of Words

 

 Carl Sagan wrote: the absence of evidence is not the evidence of absence. Tough Minded Optimism

******

Domestic Violence:

One death every three days

Over 50,000 police calls per year

This would be an epidemic if it were any other issue.

(Phoenix City Councilman Sal DiCiccio from District 6 News mailing)

******

In my Church I don’t hear the words mental illness, suicide, self harm, domestic violence, abuse and addictions mentioned very much. Yet these words are normal, everyday things to me. I can’t really explain about my day/year/life without using them. But I just don’t use them.

Here is my message today – No Christian is better than another. Perfect past or one that has been shredded to pieces, you belong just the same. Damaged people, let’s be honest about who we are and where we came from. We may feel damaged but truthfully in Jesus we are whole and valuable. Lets break the trend of hiding in Church and make it a more welcoming place to others whose lives are far from what they would choose them to be!

A fake Church is NOT a strong Church; by hiding we are doing no one any favours. Hope Blooms in Darkness

******

When Jesus had the choice between promoting faith and showing compassion He chose the latter. We might think that it would have been better to proclaim God’s goodness in this place, but Jesus didn’t; He showed God’s character by sharing in their pain.  Hope Blooms in Darkness

******

“If the private chatter of our thoughts would not be safe for another person to hear, then we should not be listening.”  Window of Wisdom 

*****

I’ve discovered how essential it is to keep things in perspective in order to maintain hope in the midst of a trial. The first and most important lesson I learned was focusing on what I have and not on what I’ve lost.  Unshakable Hope 

******

I still have a good life with more love and compassion than I ever thought possible. I intend to give it all away as fight to grab the goodness and joy that comes each day.   Lori Lara 

******

What I have learned from my walk with the King is that he does not dismiss or diminish suffering, even though the reasons for it are not offered.  He will bring meaning out of it, if we trust Him, if we permit Him.  He will use suffering to fashion something above human reason that is of immense value, something that has dignity, beauty, and honour. The Kingdom

******

The end of the storm is not when the noise stops; it’s when the mind stops.

Calmness and peace is not discovered in the absence of thunder, but in the cessation of self-defeating thought.  Tough Minded Optimism

******

Question:

Are you going to lay down and surrender because nobody ever gave you a fair chance at winning or are you going to fight like hell for the life you deserve? Tough Minded Optimism

******

…..we’re closer to what’s in front of us than what’s behind.   ”Jay” in movie “Chasing Mavericks”

******

“On the party barge of life, you are the beer bong.”  (my fortune cookie message at Chino Latino Restaurant in Minneapolis)  Yeah, really.

Blessings to you!

Diane

March Gift of Words

Those who follow Christ live in the tension between faith in the One who has conquered sin and the undeniable fact of evil’s presence in and around us. We live with confidence and confusion, faith and doubt, clarity and questions, spiritual power and human weakness.  It is a time for faith. Connecting Dots…to God

“Have patience with everything unresolved in your heart and try to love the questions themselves as if they were locked rooms or books written in a very foreign language. Don’t search for the answers, which could not be given to you now, because you would not be able to live them. And the point is to live everything. Live the questions now. Perhaps then, someday far in the future, you will gradually, without even noticing it, live your way into the answer.”  Rainer Maria Rilk who lived from 1875 to 1926

 The inexplicable is inevitable, and the willingness to endure enigmas is a necessary condition for sanity.  T.K. Coleman – Tough Minded Optimism 

Success is the ability to go from one failure to another with no loss of enthusiasm.  - Winston Churchill  

We Don’t Mean to Hurt Your Feelings.  We Just Can’t Stand You Sometimes. … It’s Not You.  It’s Us.  Space2Live 

 But I would be unlikely to bet against anyone once their actions, words, vision, heart, and spirit became aligned no matter how many prior failures they experienced.   Russ Towne - A Grateful Man

I have one piece of advice for anyone who’s seeking healing from depression, addiction, or PTSD: Before you read a book, surf the web, or see your counselor, commit everything to God. Let him be in charge of the timing of your discoveries. He has a plan, and it is good. Devout yourself to the process completely, and don’t ever give up. You are worth every dollar you spend in therapy, every tear you cry, and every moment you choose to take to care of yourself instead of cleaning the house. This pain will end. There’s an incredible life ahead of you. Grab it!  Lori Lara 

We must consciously choose what we watch for entertainment because it will shift our energy field, and cause irritation to arise unjustly. When we fill our minds with laughter, love, and peace, our mind is aligned with our heart, and negativity feels out of place.  Window of Wisdom 

Lord, help me to be a better husband, a better father…  Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ also loved the church and gave Himself up for… Eph 5:25 Walter Bright 

I want to be someone who truly ‘lives’ the season I’m in – who knows how to relax into it and let it be. I very much believe we must live intentionally, with strategy and purpose for the sake of keeping our lives healthy. But there is such peace to be had in accepting the season we’re in – in embracing its specific challenges. And for letting ‘good enough’ be good enough. Rather than fearing uncertainty, we are wise to welcome it. Rather than battling doubts, we are sensible if we rest with them.  Ali - It’s a God thing

Winter in Arizona

It has been a mute month. A time for intensity, feeling, learning, integrating…not talking. In spite of the Arizona sun, it has been like a winter of my soul, shoveling at the cold and grey, leaning into the wind, squinting to see the warm lights beyond the blizzard’s fury.

I have made my way through the system of intakes and backlogged therapist schedules, and have seen a therapist (free of charge due to funding by Jewish Family and Children’s Services and their offshoot Shelter Without Walls – no, you don’t have to be Jewish). Without hitting labels too heavily, I do have features of PTSD, as a result long term psychological abuse in marriage, which was never “processed”, and then triggered by workplaces abuses.

I have been attending two excellent support groups for survivors and those still involved in situations of Domestic Violence. I’m hearing stories and statistics that are tough to hear sometimes. We are counseled to be aware of absorbing “vicarious trauma” by identifying with the experiences of our co-attendees, and to do something kind, calming, uplifting when we leave. Some sessions, I find I am overwhelmed (and uplifted) by the absolute courage of these women!

With the exception of about (my estimate) 5% of attendees (who have maintained or gained faith), I see eye rolls, hear snorts of disgust, and terms such as “Christian Mafia” used to refer to Christians and the church, regarding the role church and scripture have played in encouraging or prolonging their abuse. Sorry. It is what it is. Learn from it or not. I have always wanted to confirm everything in the context of the whole Word – which required trying to integrate all the conflicting verses of the Bible. Now I listen to what rings true, and plays out with compassion when applied to real life.

And what has become more important – to me and others – are beliefs that allow us to go forward in life with the hope of health and recovery. I evaluate the truth of another’s belief system by the growth, strength, peace, humility and honesty I see in them. Fruit. Not verses quoted. Fruit. I want to learn from and apply what genuinely “works” for others. If I can’t muster faith, I will apply techniques and open my mind.

Therapy pointers for changing VICTIM thinking to EMPOWERED thinking:

I ALWAYS have a choice. (It may not be a clear choice, or a good vs bad choice – it may be a hard vs hard choice, or a choice I don’t want to have to make, but it IS a choice).

Part of healing may be accepting that I live with incurable depression (OUCH!), but that I have many choices to proactively seek good symptom management, including choosing to continue maintenance during “up” times.

I can’t MAKE anyone feel or do anything. No one can MAKE me feel any way I don’t choose to feel. This will take practice and adjustment, but it is true. I need to learn the self-talk to protect my feelings, without sacrificing honesty or integrity.

Identify the impact of others’ choices on me, and choose what I am willing to do or not to do, verbalize this to the parties involved. Then stick to it. Without guilt and shame.

The motives of others are not open to me. I cannot make assumptions. I cannot mind-read. I can ask for clarification, and decide if there is truth, and if the cost vs. benefit is worth it. Then call it as it is without guilt. Again – it may be a choice I don’t like, but it is my choice, nevertheless.

I CAN sit on the fence longer.

I can talk myself through fear: Do I really need to be this afraid? Switch thinking to a moment of reason. What do I do?

I carry a list of 10 healthy distractions to apply when I am in pain/fear/anxiety. I am to go through the list, check my pain level on a 1 to 10 scale, and if it is above a 5, go through the list again. And repeat.

Listing pros and cons, risks and benefits, and giving them ratings as a means to help with decisions.

Carrying hotline numbers.

Diane’s self-therapy:

Grateful acceptance of my blessings and what I CAN do.

Exercise.

Back on the wagon with adrenal support and avoiding food sensitivities.

Systematic meditation, prayer, affirmation – time to myself.

Do everything I can to act/choose peace rather than react/give away my power and peace.

Visualize myself healed and whole and happy.

Learn from others who have been here and now flourish.

*********

Blessed Easter.

Joyous spring.

Here’s to new life.

Blessings!

February Gift of Words

February Gift of Words (a little late)……

I have found the paradox, that if you love until it hurts, there can be no more hurt…only more love.” Mother Theresa quoted on http://disashisoul.wordpress.com/?s=day+20&submit=Search

When we are surrounded by love we feel like we love the world, but…the depth of our love can only be know  through our actions in being out in the world, and surrounded by both love and hate. Don’t just say you love the world, truly feel it for the world and show it, see everyone though the eyes of your heart, even if you have to squint really hard, look for the love, it is there, it is in all of us.  Window of Wisdom 

Let me not to the marriage of true minds

            Admit impediments. Love is not love

Which alters when it alteration finds,

            Or bends with the remover to remove:

O no! it is an ever-fixed mark

            That looks on tempests and is never shaken;

It is the star to every wandering bark,

            Whose worth’s unknown, although his height be taken.

Love’s not Time’s fool, though rosy lips and cheeks

            Within his bending sickle’s compass come:

Love alters not with his brief hours and weeks,

            But bears it out even to the edge of doom.

If this be error and upon me proved,

            I never writ, nor no man ever loved.

                                      William Shakespeare  

Don’t try too hard to figure out “why” something sad occurred, so you can be perfect and keep bad things from happening. It doesn’t work. So do what makes you happy, and add to the net good in the world.   Me

Like the skunk and the porcupine making love, who say, “I think I’ve enjoyed as much of this as I can stand.”  (my Dad!)

“True forgiveness “begins” to take place when you can hear the name of the person that hurt you, without a shift in your breathing; and pure forgiveness has “taken place” when you can hear the name of the person that hurt you, and there is no memory of your pain, and you send them only thoughts and wishes of love in return.” Window of Wisdom http://wp.me/p2wNN3-dB

Your opinion of me is none of my business.  Unknown

Even if life deals you a crappy hand, play it as if you were holding four kings and an ace. Barbara Stanley (http://barbarastanley.net/2013/02/20/children-are-you-raising-mass-murderers-and-serial-killers/ )

Take all of that energy that has been bound up in resentment and bitterness and free it up so that you can do new, wonderful, and exciting things. Free it up so that you can grow and move forward with your life. When you are full of bitterness there is no place left for love to dwell. Freedom comes with letting go. When you spend the moment regretting the past or worrying about the future, you miss today.  Let Life In Practices, Kristin Barton Cuthriell (http://letlifeinpractices.com/2013/03/02/dont-wait/)

I love you. I cherish you. You rock. God bless you. Sweet dreams. Wahoo! Are we having fun yet? Thank you. Blessings.

Where Am I?

Where I live: Cold, windy, hard, hot, humid, bleak, mosquitoes, grueling, isolated, simple, peaceful, outsider, limiting, fear, demanding, mean, lonely, disappointed, trapped, add-in, husband, love, beloved, voiceless, futility, waste.

Winter

Good job before the good ole boys scared me off.

Inside a cornfield in the fall.

Where I am: Cool, warm, hot, dry, colorful, hoarding, parents, age, decisions, assisted living, junk, fear, fast, lonely, weary, family, effort, grief, daughters, opportunity, interest, possibility, support.

“Abby” made this.

What I want: Belong, BE, accept, love, beloved, function, PEACE, voice, future, value, purpose, hope, RELIEF.

I don’t know how to live this life. I need a breakthrough.

I’ll be back to writing in my usual voice again no doubt. I’m still out here, just kinda mute right now.

You have no idea how much I admire your courage.

Blessings!

 

Personal Responsibility and the Twitchy Arm

Suppose you have a twitchy arm.

You may have had it all your life. Or, maybe something happened to you…and after that…well, your arm STARTED twitching. Most of the time rests comfortably, happily by your side. It accommodates your every command. It is your right hand man (!) as you work, or lovingly stroke the sweet, silky soft hair of your young child.  It lifts an open palm and waves at friends. It holds your Bible at church, and may even reach for the sky in praise.

But sometimes, the nerves go awry and the arm abruptly snaps outward, slamming into anything nearby. Ouch. It can really do some damage, too. Sometimes your arm hits people. It splits lips, blacks eyes, and doubles people over with pain. Sometimes it damages property. Sometimes it is embarrassing.  Sometimes, it’s kind of handy…it keeps the people around you on their toes. It makes them easier to get along with.

You feel bad about that, once in a while. But what can you do? It isn’t your fault. It just happens. People need to understand that this is just the way you are! You don’t MEAN to do damage…you don’t really want to hurt people or things. Your motives are good. You even apologize sometimes. Maybe even pay for the damages.  But how unfair is that?….It just isn’t your fault! Your arm has a mind of its own. You have no control. And, after all, you aren’t perfect…just forgiven.

It isn’t your FAULT. You are not to BLAME.

BUT YOU ARE RESPONSIBLE.  

So give yourself (and others) some space.  Adjust your environment or put yourself where you do no harm. Seek treatment, or wear a straightjacket! It is a hassle. Not fair. But it is what it is. Not your fault, but still your responsibility.

Whatever the twitchy arm is for each of  us, don’t we owe it to ourselves and others to DO WHATEVER IS NECESSARY TO DEAL WITH OUR OWN TROUBLESOME ISSUES, rather than passively allowing them to inflict damage? Which elevates them to entitlements? We can’t be perfect… but we can take the initiative to take care of ourselves, with healthy self-love and acceptance, if possible. To get help. To admit and be honest about our problem. And if we are harming others, we need to commit to do whatever it takes to get right, so we can relieve others of the daunting task of tiptoeing around us, walking on eggshells, flinching, watching, and ducking that blasted twitchy arm. To be responsible for ourselves, rather than making others responsible for themselves AND us. And to remove ourselves from endangering others for a time, if necessary, while we get it together.

And if you have a friend with a twitchy arm? Be kind, but let them know it isn’t OK to make excuses. It’s your responsibility. It’s their responsibility.

******

Note:  I hear from DV counselors that abusers don’t generally improve much from anger management training (it’s not about anger, it’s about CONTROL).  Please comment if you know of an instance in which an abusive individual has made a documentable “to the marrow of the bones, restoration of trust” turnaround. If so, what do you believe made the dramatic change possible? 

I want to hear YOUR dialogue and beliefs about this, more than my own,  so I may not answer all comments. Not being rude, just inquisitive!!!

And/or….more generally, what is YOUR “twitchy arm?”  (If you care to share it!)

The Big “D” and Malachi 2:16

Malachi 2:16  God hates divorce……

Ever heard that one? Ever quoted it? I included a survey of this verse in an earlier post, but got only two answers. One respondent answered “other” but I couldn’t access a comment. The other respondent said they had never heard the verse. One of the multiple choice answers was, “have you ever heard the SECOND HALF of the verse?”

Have you?

I found the complete verse, book, and context when I read through the Bible cover to cover the first time. Trying to see God and Jesus in context. The version I remember reading is different than what  pops up when I access Bible Gateway. So I went to other, older versions (like me), and voila! Here it is! So, let’s look at Malachi 2:16  in several versions:

• New International Version 1984
  “I hate divorce,” says the Lord God of Israel, “and I hate a man’s covering himself with violence as well as with his garment,” says the Lord Almighty. So guard yourself in your spirit, and do not break faith.
• New Revised Standard Version
  For I hate divorce, says the Lord, the God of Israel, and covering one’s garment with violence, says the Lord of hosts. So take heed to yourselves and do not be faithless.
•  New International Version
  “The man who hates and divorces his wife,” says the Lord, the God of Israel, “does violence to the one he should protect,” says the Lord Almighty. So be on your guard, and do not be unfaithful.

NOT ONCE in 20+ years was this verse quoted to me, in its entirety or in context, by friends or clergy. Just the God Hates Divorce part.

Why was that? When so much care is taken to quote some other passages in context? Was it because the “God Hates Divorce” part came first in the verse, and was therefore more important? If God hates divorce AND he hates a man who covers himself with violence as with a garment….which does He hate most? And reading the entire book of Malachi, I saw that this related not only to a husband and wife, but to Godly offspring, and God’s covenant with an entire race. And what should I DO based on that? I chose caution, conservative (legalistic) interpretation, that man meant person, and didn’t want to take any chances with Godly offspring. And, aside from any Biblical admonition, to protect my kids from their dad and the court system.

Then I wondered why, if marital unfaithfulness (meaning sexual unfaithfulness as defining adultery) was the only acceptable reason for divorce, did marriage ceremonies (which sanctify the covenant of marriage) include words such as “love, honor and cherish?” I wondered why we didn’t just stand before the preacher and say “I promise not to have sex with another till we die,” and leave it at that…since that is what seemed to be the actual substance of the arrangement. Since meanness, coldness, fear, financial ruin….verbal and physical abuse, are often considered non-sufficient grounds for divorce. Or for accountability within the church. And since Ephesians marriage verses seemed to be recommendations, rather than contractual requirements.

Matthew 5:32  But I tell you that anyone who divorces his wife, except for marital unfaithfulness, causes her to become an adulteress, and anyone who marries the divorced woman commits adultery.

Matthew 19:9 I tell you that anyone who divorces his wife, except for marital unfaithfulness, and marries another woman commits adultery.”

******

At the time of my divorce, I understood it this way: I will go to hell more surely by taking my own life than by divorcing my husband.  I was shocked and bewildered by God’s silence, my unanswered prayers for healing (not just of Peter; I was willing to change, too) and for guidance. And had come (from a start of open-hearted faith) to believe that God was a harsh taskmaster, demanding colossal sacrifice and endurance in the form of testing and somehow displaying His glory, demanding no shrinking back or He would be displeased, and that fearing Him is a good thing (even after checking out the word “fear” in Strong’s Concordance for many verses hoping it really meant “respect” or “honor”). And that once divorced, I would, Biblically speaking, be forever in a poor plan B. These are some of the ideas, views of God, that come from some skewed interpretations of scripture and Christian counsel. And formed part of the gauntlet I ran.

I didn’t understand much about covenant, Biblically speaking. Thanks to Joe Pote (http://josephjpote.com/) I understand much better NOW. I wouldn’t dream of trying to express the content of Joe’s book, So You are a Believer…Who has been through Divorce…, because I could in no way accurately abbreviate the points he so clearly makes. But I will say that I have now been introduced to a kinder view of God’s interest in my former marriage and my life, which gives me greater peace in the present. This is what I learned (my understanding): God doesn’t use covenants to enslave or abuse – He redeems us from bondage, including that of marital abuse (and the word redeemed means a lot more than I thought it did); divorce isn’t sin (treachery IS sin); I have not missed God’s best plan for my life because I have been through divorce; I am not to blame for my divorce (it is not always the fault of both parties);  ”divorced” is not an eternal condition that overshadows me or defines me – I am not Peter’s ex-wife – the marriage covenant no longer exists, so I am just Diane; my second marriage is not sin (my covenant with Peter no longer existed; there was no covenant to violate); my husband and I are each married to one person – the husband of one wife – the wife of one husband (we are not bigamists married to each other AND to our previous spouses – our former marriages no longer exist) and any evaluation for ministry can be made on that basis.

(If you want to do a very good thing, buy this book for your church library.)

There were two sides as I Ran the Gauntlet: my abusive Christian husband with his destructive and misinformed words and control on one side, and the Church with its destructive and misleading scriptural interpretations and control on the other.

As I am blogging and listening, both sides of the gauntlet are beginning to disarm and go away. Some of the harmful ideas used by both sides are now useless weapons, rusting on the grass. I’m listening. And feeling the breeze of freedom and the sun on my face.

Good Sabbath, my Blogger Church.