Cloud Gazing and Being Worthwhile

P1010379Do you ever lay on the grass with a friend (of any age or species) to share what you see in the clouds? You may point and say, “See, over there, third cloud from the top of that tree, kind of up on the left side, there is a nose…and over there you can see the guy’s necktie?”  Silence.  “Right there?”  “I don’t see it…” “No…right THERE, where that little knobby thing sticks out…right THERE.  “Oh yeah, cool, I see the dude…uh, oh, well, um…he really looks kind of like a duck.”

That’s kind of what it’s like reading blogs and news reports sometimes! And finding a bottom line to anything. Or formulating my own thoughts.

Since I began blogging last year, it has been more natural for me to desperately explain psychological abuse via personal stories, and express anger and indignation about the support of abuse via Christian views and counsel as I “Ran the Gauntlet” than to speak with passion about how it SHOULD have been. Or, the main goal, how it CAN be! This is because I didn’t live it as it should have been. What I want most to convey really lies outside my experience.

I was also desperately disappointed by unrealized expectations of version of God I believed COULD help, comfort, speak, and empower with faith, but didn’t. I still don’t understand, and it is beyond crazy that I should hang it all out there again, this time having no expectations of God, but rather the assumption that His help, comfort, empowerment were completed 2000 years ago. This is joyful, but also very tender and private. So bold and yet so tentative that I feel like a liar to say anything at all. I can’t explain it; I can only rest, trust, wait. Not very interesting to read about. I don’t know how I want to say it any more. I don’t feel clever. I’m starting to feel real.

My stats are way down, which is fine, but indicates my words aren’t resonating as well. No cliffhangers any more like, “Will she jump? Will she believe?”  I’m sure some liked the intensity and drama. But the thing is, I don’t! Or words like abuse, and abused, and victim. Past tense, intensity and negativity aren’t where I want to live. Or Christian bashing, even when warranted! Even just within myself, when it never finds a page or ear. It hurts. I think that when one hurts, somewhere all hurt. I can do better.

My voice is different, and I haven’t quite found it.

I’m going to spend November diving deep into the space between words, and relax. I am going to write a 50,000 word novel during the inspiring and challenging National Novel Writing Month (NaNoWriMo). It’s going to be a novel that has nothing to do with domestic violence, my past, or problems to be solved. November 1 is an hour away where I live. I have no outline, no sure plan.

I’m going to be cloud-gazing!

I can see whatever I want to see!

It will be worthwhile!

I will stop in to see you at your blogs, and maybe post here, if I like what I have to say. I will answer if you check in on me.

When I’m finished, I’m going to call out to you, invite you to join me in the grass, stretch out my arm right next to your line of sight, and say with glee, “Oh, LOOK, do you SEE it??!”

(Even if you don’t, it will be fun trying!).

Blessings,

Diane

P.S.  If you will, please pass on your favorite writing (or other) music! Inspire me! Get me moving! Say, “Oh LISTEN to this?” And I will!

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16 thoughts on “Cloud Gazing and Being Worthwhile

  1. Heather Mertens @ 40YearWanderer November 10, 2013 at 8:56 pm Reply

    You go girl! Have fun and lean into The Lord for those words. 🙂

    Bless you!!!

  2. amras888 November 2, 2013 at 11:04 am Reply

    Your story struck many deep chords with me during these months of reading. I sincerely hope that through writing a novel, you will stumble upon something great, which is hiding inside of you. best wishes for your future work. Francis.

    • Diane November 2, 2013 at 7:11 pm Reply

      What a wonderful blessing and encouragement, Francis!! I do too. I feel like I’m on the edge of something, and greater freedom and peace are just around the corner, like the wind is going to change. Thank you SO much! It means a lot. Blessings, Diane

  3. MustardSeedBudget.wordpress.com November 1, 2013 at 6:16 pm Reply

    Hi Diane!!!!!!!!! I kinda lost track of you (I follow too many blogs — literally over a thousand! So it’s easy to lose track.) But, praise the Lord!, here you are! So good to see you! How ya doing?? I’ve missed you!

    • Diane November 2, 2013 at 7:06 pm Reply

      Hi, Mike. Kind of lost track of you, too. I am interested in so many blogs and try to follow but just can’t keep up. I think in the airwaves as well as in person I am one of those who have a smaller number of treasured friends. I also tried twitter and found it wayyy to FAST! Good to her from you!! Blessings! Diane

  4. whisperingleavesblog November 1, 2013 at 4:26 pm Reply

    Happy cloud gazing! I keep telling myself I ought to make more time for it, my cloud gazing comes in little sips as I crunch through the fallen, soggy leaves they ( remind me of cornflakes which have soaked up too much milk) or my eye is caught by single late, red rose by the gate which is starting to get a weathered, aged velvet look… And you know, sometimes that’s when God steps into sharper focus. I am happily surprised He is there for us in all things, and when we.re not trying so hard,, in actual fact we are just giving him time to help. Good luck with your novel … It may be what you should be doing. The gift of words is a precious thing.😀🌹

    • Diane Walter November 8, 2013 at 7:21 am Reply

      Yes, you cloud gaze!! What an appealing description of the fallen leaves and the rose. I’m trying hard not to try too hard! Thank you for your kind words; I always like to hear your “voice.” Blessings, Diane

  5. Uzoma November 1, 2013 at 10:52 am Reply

    Oh you are going to participate in NaNoWriMo? That sounds great! I’ve never tried it before, but am sure it’s very challenging and interesting at the same time.

    For your listening pleasure, what about these: “Wonderful Magnificent God by Don Moen”, “Spirit by R.Kelly” and “My Redeemer Lives by Nicole C. Mullen”?

    Hope you’ll keep us posted on your writing.

    Best wishes

    Uzo

    • Diane November 2, 2013 at 7:19 pm Reply

      Thank you for taking me seriously about the music suggestions, Uzo! They are truly wonderful and inspiring. I especially like Spirit by R.Kelly, which I had never heard before. I have them handy to listen to again and again.

      It isn’t too late for you to do NaNoWriMo if you want…it is designed to ditch the inner editor for a while and let it all out. I’m to precise and analytical to have succeeded there YET. You can do 1700 words a day, right? Yikes. It sounded so easy! 28 days to go!!

      Blessings! Diane

      • Uzoma November 5, 2013 at 10:52 am Reply

        Ah! 1700 words a day? That is an incredible feat. Honestly, my word count per day is around 800 words because I still struggle with English. I hate to break it to you, but it is true. I go over certain sentences more than once, wondering if my tenses are right or if the sentence itself is well-constructed.

        Ditching the inner editor will be a bit hard, but I’d like to give the writing a try next time.

        Onto music: I’m so happy you like “Spirit”, too. When I first listened to it, I was going through a hard time both at work and at home. Thankfully, God gave me a way out. He’s been faithful even when I am not.

        • Diane Walter November 8, 2013 at 4:01 am Reply

          Ok, Uzo! Mr. Chemist, do you have a catalytic agent for this process of writing a novel? 🙂 Yikes…I’m behind schedule. But having fun with my 92 year old parents, collecting information for their 67-year love story! If you do this next year, I’m sure you can write in your native language. I can’t IMAGINE doing this in a second language (which I don’t have…said with embarrassment). What is your native language? When/how did you learn English? You write with absolute excellence in English. Amazing. Even as my primary language, I struggle over sentences…a post takes me usually 3-6 hours or so. Blessings! Diane

          • Uzoma November 11, 2013 at 7:30 am

            Haha! Mr. Chemist is here again 😀

            It’s so heartwarming to spend time with your aged parents. Surely you are blessed to have them alive and well. Please extend my greetings to them.

            Igbo is my native language. It’s one of the major languages in my country. To write a story in my native language won’t be a problem at all, though I admit that I haven’t tried it before except for the essays I wrote during my exams.

            In school we were taught French alongside English. But more focus was (and still is) given to English because it’s the language of our colonial masters (British) and of course, since there are diverse ethnic groups in the country, the language is an effective medium for communication. Oh, there is what we call pidgin English; it’s spoken more than English itself. Can you imagine! 😀 That said, I’ve found out that what I thought to be good English is always correct. Since I began putting time to creative writing, there has been a growing need for me to work on my grammar. But with your admission I see that English is not that simple even for the tradition speaker.

            Have a fun-filled week.

          • Uzoma November 11, 2013 at 7:34 am

            Please I skipped something:

            “That said, I’ve found out that what I thought to be good English is NOT always correct.”

  6. mybroom November 1, 2013 at 2:50 am Reply

    Ok D, this is bigggg… good for you!!
    I have finally found a gap to watch the videos and respond – more tomorrow.
    cheers G

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