Like Sun Sparkling on Water

Picture a river, wide and crisply cold. A magnificent, white hot afternoon sun. A gentle breeze. Look at the water, alive with fireworks, a million dancing reflections of that magnificent sun. Tears sting your eyes, from the painful brightness of the dancing light, from the heart-rending beauty of the sparkling  water, yet you don’t want to look away. If you try to catch a pinpoint with your gaze, it flashes and is gone, replaced by a million more, all laughing. They have you. But you don’t have them. LOL

I’ve been pondering ideas so sweet and new that my mind and heart can’t quite catch them, but I’m mesmerized, and don’t want to look away. They have me. God has me. I keep testing these out against my questions and rearranging my mental file cabinet, adding new folders to accommodate what I can’t assimilate into my current ineffective  paradigm. Sometimes calmed, sometimes angered by what I still can’t “take on faith.” There are so many directions I could go with this, that I just have to start somewhere.

We’ll start here: BELIEVE.

I believe in God. No matter how trashed my faith, I say to Him, “Wow…You are such an Artist!” I am touched by beauty in nature and between people, and animals figure in, too. I am awed by the immense complexity…off the chart, utter, beyond belief ORDER and artistry in nature. Even a blade of grass has millions of intricately connected parts functioning together. One blade of grass among billions. Among millions of other species and non-living things. On one celestial sphere among millions. I believe in God. In God the wildly artistic and intelligent Creator. And I can’t imagine this being done without love.

But these are things I can see and touch and smell. I find it easy to believe scientific researchers, and it is no big deal if they disagree or their statements prove false. To date, it just doesn’t affect my life on earth all that much.

Christianity is another issue. I spent 25 or so years as a devout Christian, happy going to church, teaching, studying, praying, bringing up my children “in the Lord.” From a place of need, I chose to believe what I didn’t entirely understand – like the Trinity, the need for crucifixion as the only way to be restored to God’s fellowship, and the like. I took them “on faith” and fully believed that I was “saved” and that I would receive the guidance of the Holy Spirit, the Wonderful Counselor, to help me know how to do life with an abusive husband. I had EXPECTATIONS, derived from church and the Word, and I BELIEVED God  would operate, with me, as described. He didn’t. So, I listened to the legalistic rules, and learned to look at my flaws, pray more, be more holy, “have faith,” wait, listen for a still small voice, rebuke satan…….ad nauseum. He still didn’t operate as I  believed He would. And  I was more than disappointed. It affected my life on earth A LOT. The rug was pulled out from under me. And I have become very, very wary of who and what I hear from others, un-trusting of my own discernment, and of God’s willingness to make Himself heard by me. I wanted to just bag it, but I can’t stop listening for something I CAN believe. My friends Graeme and Angela call that a string, a connection between God and me, and that He is holding on to me. That I have a “God fact” (more later) that won’t let me let go of Him, either.

And I’m hearing something!

Graeme (Hardwired to Christ, MyBroom), replied to my comment on his blog: “My own situation is challenging, tho’ quite different. I was a victim of the Global Financial Crisis and lost my life’s work in property development. I heard all the well meaning rhetoric about what God would do for me too — and it was like trying to make a pie out of dirt, it was beyond me I didn’t have the inner resources to exercise faith. Then followed several years of wilderness struggling, I knew God was there — I just didn’t know Him well enough to have any confidence in Him — so I prayed and studied and prayed because I knew there must be a way to live by faith, to really have the word of God work for me — I came up with one key ‘fix your eyes on Jesus the author and perfector of your faith’ ….I began to see Jesus, I began to believe that irrespective of my circumstances I was safely hidden in His work on the cross — this became my primary truth — I had little else theologically resolved in my mind, just that one thing — Christ had proven himself to me on the cross. I don’t exercise belief to get through a situation — I rest in the work of the cross — it is not a process that I have to get right…, it is a fact that Christ got right already and I am just sitting in His work.”

It’s the darndest thing! I had given up on having a “relationship” with Christ, as Christians say, but this presents something truer. Being so one with Christ – one being, one creation – that I don’t pray to Someone out there somewhere, but have murmured conversations with Him to lives and dwells in me. To be so secure in God’s love and approval, which would be because of Christ not me, that everything else is secondary to that reality (perhaps just as basic as everything earthly is secondary to my next breath). For starters. This hits me full in the chest and I cry big tears.

I  just have to believe. It all happens by faith. But I don’t know how to get around the things I have to believe first: Does God love me? Is God good? Can I trust His Word?”

I know the following verse well, and have not found it to “come true.” But it’s possible God wants me to revisit this, and so I am:

Matthew 11:28-29  “Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest.  Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls.”

More soon.

Blessings!

Diane

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18 thoughts on “Like Sun Sparkling on Water

  1. sf August 9, 2013 at 10:48 pm Reply

    Thanks for sharing the sparkling water pic too – woooo, just takes me to another place…of peace.

    • ranthegauntlet August 9, 2013 at 11:15 pm Reply

      You’re welcome, and thank you, too! We need peace. Blessings, Diane

  2. theabilitytolove June 30, 2013 at 12:05 am Reply

    Diane, really nice blog and this post resonates so well…..

    • ranthegauntlet June 30, 2013 at 12:37 am Reply

      Thank you! Your blog is a powerhouse, so I especially value your comment! Blessings, Diane

  3. walter bright June 26, 2013 at 4:45 pm Reply

    great post…beautiful delivery… couldn’t help but notice you last name. It’s my first. Blessings on you Diane

    • ranthegauntlet June 26, 2013 at 5:30 pm Reply

      Thank you Walter! Nice to hear from you. Yes, I thought of commenting on our names, too! It’s a nice name. (smile) Blessings on you, too! Diane

  4. mymendingwall June 20, 2013 at 9:19 am Reply

    Hi Diane,

    Wow. I love the beauty of the serene moment that you put me in right off the bat with this post. I think what God has done for you is beautiful. Even though there was pain- the untrusting feelings that you have for others and the hurt that was inflicted upon your beautiful soul- what you have now is an awareness that you never had before. I’d be willing to bet that before the “rug was pulled out from under” you, you were not as introspective like you are now. Your faith was about what others told you to believe. I could be wrong, though. But having your own thoughts to surmise and drawing your own conclusions is the plan that God had for you all along. Growing is painful. Serenity is beautiful. How you get there depends on your willingness to endure the pain and reflect upon your persona and how you view the world. We are selfish beings. We want what we want and are disappointed when God doesn’t give in to our whims. No matter how much we pray, beg, whine, plead, negotiate, etc., we are not powerful enough to change God’s plan for us. Once we have acceptance of the fact that our Higher Power is doing for us things we cannot do for ourselves, no matter how much we think we can, life will flow with God’s ease, grace, and balance.

    Peace and love to you, my friend!
    ~Noel

    • ranthegauntlet June 20, 2013 at 10:52 am Reply

      Noel! Do you know how much I like hearing from you? (a lot) I have been checking into your blog periodically to seek you out! As usual, what you say sounds and feels right. Yes, I am more introspective, but my tendency to believe what others told me started when my expectations based on my simple faith and understanding, even as I sought the Holy Spirit as my commentator while I studied the bible on my own, didn’t work (the way I understood it). THEN I looked to others who must “get it.” And there are many who are puffed up with their BELIEF…in whatever it is THEY believe….that produced more wrong expectations of God. It’s all history. I have no expectations of God, other than that most likely the laws of the universe will continue to operate in the short term. But I’m still seeking Him, without expecting Him to change anything. He knows it and I know it. And deep down, I “feel” that is where I should be. And there are very, very few people whose words bypass intellect while being intelligent, address realities without being stuck in this world, and are spoken without an undercurrent of control. You are one of them. Thanks! Please keep in touch. Diane

  5. mybroom June 12, 2013 at 4:12 pm Reply

    Hi D,
    great to read the thoughts as they come tumbling out – you are such a good communicator, just love your use of word pictures. I’ve also had the experience of trying to catch something fleeting like the sparkle across the water, I’ve felt moments of truth flash through my mind at shutter speed and then they are gone and I try to reform them but cant. Lately though the shutter speed has been slowing down and the image is leaving a clear imprint on my mind. I think the revelation of ‘Christ in me’ is like that, it’s gradual, it’s working against suched fixed mindsets – but here’s the good news, the shutter speed really does slow as we fix our eyes on the wonder of Christ, and before long (to our great surprise) He fills our screen.
    enjoy the trip home….
    cheers G

    • ranthegauntlet June 12, 2013 at 8:18 pm Reply

      Hi, G! Yep, they’re beginning to tumble! What a relief. Which trip “home” do you mean, friend? 🙂 Diane

      • mybroom June 12, 2013 at 11:05 pm Reply

        Well, you work it out – it’s a cryptic question, friend!

        • ranthegauntlet June 13, 2013 at 5:40 am Reply

          😀

          • mybroom June 13, 2013 at 4:20 pm

            today is the 14th. does that mean you arrive home today? about the other journey, your already home!

          • ranthegauntlet June 13, 2013 at 6:19 pm

            Well, G…here it’s the 13th! I fly to Phx tomorrow (my 14th). Depending where I am in the US and whether there is daylight saving time or not, I run about 15 to 17 hours behind you. Weird, huh? Your today is my tomorrow. Your yesterday is my today. Profound. Already home….. Really profound.

  6. Uzoma June 12, 2013 at 8:45 am Reply

    Yes, yes, Diane! This is a Spirit-filled message. Our Lord Jesus said, “Blessed are those who did not see, yet believe.” I believe this is the true definition of faith. But then, over the years, life challenges (trying to find a good job, family issues, personal struggle) have put my faith in God in the balance. I’ve fallen more than once–but that doesn’t mean I don’t trust God is alive forever. God doesn’t act the way we think He ought to, because His ways are not ours. To wait on Him for answers can be challenging. So everyday, I ask God to help me see Him in His creation than in what seems to weigh me down. This way I can pray better and exercise my faith. Love this post, Diane.

    • ranthegauntlet June 12, 2013 at 9:25 am Reply

      Thank you, Uzoma! May we both be at peace, at rest. One of the things I am hearing from Graeme is that we may not have to EXERCISE faith, but REST in Christ. AHhh. Like the whisper of the breeze in the trees, isn’t it? Blessings, Uzoma. I can hardly wait to read your next post! Your story has me so hooked! Diane

      • Uzoma June 14, 2013 at 1:28 am Reply

        Amen. Well, I see where you’re coming from–which, on a closer look, is quite true. Casting all our fears and burden on the Lord helps us in a tremendous manner. That enables us to rest in Him.

        To my story: Glad you enjoyed it so far. Another installment is coming up next week. Hope to see you then.

        • ranthegauntlet June 14, 2013 at 7:42 pm Reply

          Uzoma: I will be there ready to read the next installment! By the way, your faith and kind words are a blessing to me, too. Diane

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